I hope you like curry.
​(If not you should work on that.)

Dear fellow world savers

What I wouldn't give for a little more time in my day. Every day.

It's funny. When I first started working at XERXES, I had more time than I knew what to do with. Granted part of the reason for that was that my boss wasn't around and Building Security didn't have my access card ready but still.

Now I've been here for almost three months. Not that long, sure, but that still means a fourth of my internship is already over.

That's crazy to think about.

When I started out, I thought I would spend most of my day managing our official mail accounts—I still don't understand why Marketing has to write the responses when PR needs to clear them, why don't we spare us the unnecessary back and forth and they just write their messages themselves?—or sorting alarms and general information for the public by target audience, platform and urgency.

Which I did. I still do that.

But now I also help out dealing with complaints and potential shitstorms because apparently my brief stint at the help desk is determined to haunt me forever. I have also been tapped to help out with organizing the surprise summer festival that I have been told we all pretend we don't know will be coming.

You didn't hear that from me.

Plus, there is this new project with PR—because of course it's PR—that is going to be a great learning experience for me. Or so my boss has told me with more enthusiasm than an early Sunday morning can possibly justify.

All in all, 'more time than I know what to do with' is definitely a thing of the past. If anything I need more of it. The day isn't long enough anymore to get through everything on my list.

That does not mean I want to pull more weekend shifts though. Just to be very, very clear. I don't. Two weeks in a row is more than enough, thanks.

Alright, enough rambling. Let's get into it.

🧠 Business Update: Almost everybody is working hard.

Good news first: I am happy to announce that most of the participants in last week's bake-off have fully recovered and are once more cleared for work—if not yet for any mandatory or voluntary "team building exercises".

HR has been very clear about that last part.

I don't think they are going to green-light an inter-departmental activity any time soon. Which is a real shame because if we ignore the light concussion and subsequent visit to Medical, I had a great time. And I doubt I am the only one.

(Trying four different types of rice pudding was an interesting experience. Listening to the passionate argument about the correct recipe even more so.

Also watching Yenna throw a well-deserved strawberry shortcake in Conny's face?

Genuinely a top 10 moment of my life.)

No regrets. And I mean that with deep respect and empathy for the still-struggling quantum scone tasters, of course.

Speaking of:

1. R&D has revised their initial estimate regarding the lingering effects of the quantum scones. While some of the side-effects have dissipated, particularly for those who are tasting every flavor of every possible variation of any dish they eat, those who experience temporal flavor echoes have yet to note an improvement.
   One nervous researcher I managed to corner on the second floor bathroom admitted that they were unable to rule out that the adjustment to their personal flavor palate are permanent. He immediately followed that up with: "But we're working really hard on it!"
   When asked how they were hoping to find a solution, he clarified that they are working really hard on ruling out that the effect is permanent.
   Which must be some comfort to the afflicted, I suppose.
   In the meantime, the cafeteria has adjusted their meal plan. Starting tomorrow they will only offer chickpea curry for the foreseeable future. Chef Marilla swears that this decision is in no way related to this quarter's budget concerns and is entirely motivated by a desire to support afflicted employees.
2. Tensions between Facility Management and R&D continue to rise. After the initial confrontation in the aftermath of the bake-off, things have been fairly calm this week—until two explosive no-reason-for-concern incidents outside the sealed testing chambers kicked off a truly vicious email chain on Friday morning.
   Not that I have seen screenshots or anything—and neither have you—but they are not playing around.
   Facility Management seems well and truly done with R&D's antics. It probably doesn't help that over half of their team has fallen victim to the nastier side of the quantum scone effects. But that is just speculation on my part.
3. Building Security has noted an uptick in questionable packages that have been sent to our headquarters in the last five days. They have not identified any specific threat nor is there an indication that this is part of a targeted attack.
   Nevertheless all expected packages are being deep-scanned until further notice. Unexpected deliveries are destroyed without question and with extreme prejudice.
   Please remember to fill out the required forms before you order anything. It saves everyone time and money.

In other news, Building Security has yet to find any evidence that our friendly neighborhood supervillains' coffee shop is handing out drugged coffees. The lack of questionable substances has hardened their suspicions.

"If we haven't found anything yet that means we haven't looked hard enough," an anonymous source explained. "We will not give up. We will find what they want to hide from us. Do not drink the coffee."

Not that I do not appreciate the reasonable paranoia they are displaying. It is an important trait of any security force. That said I am starting to wonder at which point an uninvolved bystander hypothetically might have cause to file an anonymous harassment complaint with HR.

Not that I am suggesting anyone should do that. Of course not.

I would never.

💥 Important: Some things may change but this is not a goodbye.

It has been an honor and a privilege to be trusted with this incredible opportunity to deep-dive into the beautiful, terrifyingly efficient network that is our company's gossip culture. On the clock. Which is why I have no plans of abandoning this wonderful newsletter.

(I'm serious. Even if I should ever decide to quit, they are going to pry this email address out of my cold, dead hands.)

That said, there has been an unfortunate development.

After my brief stint at our hellish help desk and getting saddled with the clean-up for our tiny bake-off mishap, somehow people around here have gotten the impression that I am competent. Which is more than can be said for certain junior marketing managers who missed their official first day and still get paid a higher wage than I am, but I've been told that's life.

Others in my department have taken this as blanket permission to hand over more tasks to me, now that I have proven that I can handle them responsibly. To give me a chance to "learn on the job" and "gain a well-rounded work experience" probably.

Which, first of all: what?!

Was someone going to tell me that doing a good job is a one-way street to higher expectations and more work or was I just supposed to find that out the hard way? Because I have.

And by the Cursed is it inconvenient.

(On a side note: is there a corporate-approved way of saying 'I'm not sure my security clearance covers this' to my boss? Asking for a friend.)

Anyway, between my ever-growing duties and the continued depths of incompetence certain other team members we won't name here aspire to, I simply don't have the time to keep up with the weekly updates.

The fact that this newsletter is late—again—only proves that point.

You may not have noticed that I am late, thanks to the current temporal lockdown, but that is no excuse.

So I had a chat with my boss and we agreed on a more realistic frequency: a newsletter every two weeks. She also kindly suggested that I could just stick to the official corporate news and leave out the "superhuman interest stories and personal commentary" but I am choosing to ignore that part.

Let's be real, you all are here for the harmless fun and less harmless drama, not the seventeenth HR notification of the week.

(Not that I would ever disrespect HR. Or miss one of their enlightening reminders.

PR on the other hand keeps insisting that there should be space for their stupid campaigns and public company events in these updates but I think we all know that's not happening.

There are simply more important things to talk about. I make sure of it.)

In other words, this is an advance warning to let you know that you do not need to panic when you don't receive an email from me next week.

Seriously. Do not sic Building Security on me. I will not be amused.

Unless a level 3 alarm is blaring or the building has ceased to exist in this timeline, then feel free to panic away. The same goes for if I send out a message anyway—that would not be a good sign.

City-ending emergencies and hostile takeovers aside, I will be back on April 10th with the new bi-weekly roundup of all news XERXES.

And every second week after that.

Until next week, remember: while you are making me personally happy by reading this newsletter, it is not in any way a decent substitute for staying on top of the official warnings and notifications from other departments. Nor Top Management for that matter.

The official messages are sent out separately for a reason.

That reason being that they are usually much more detailed. And have been cleared by Legal.

(It's okay if you prefer my versions though.)

Your Marketing Department's intern who is done with March and the daylight saving time bullshit, but mostly March
​Jo