"Our bad," PR admits.
​(No one disagrees.)

Dear fellow world savers

Last week I had lunch with Shane.

Not a common occurrence—the two of us don't exactly get on, which is at least 75% his fault, though it doesn't help that he is PR—but there is a big project we're going to be involved in, so we decided it makes sense.

Also Yenna was sick and the rest of my team went out for lunch, while I was in the mood for curry.

In the middle of the—silent—meal, Shane told me that the temporal echoes he's been struggling with had vanished.

For anyone who has missed the teeny, tiny, unplanned fallout of our exciting company bake-off in March: he's one of the poor quantum scone victims and has been struggling with enjoying food ever since his taste buds decided that living in the present has become optional.

Given that I have been hounding R&D for the past two weeks for a solution (without success), I was understandably excited.

Until he grinned at me from across the table like a low-level supervillain and said: "April Fools!"

After I had already texted my team and four of my group chats.

And people wonder why I don't like the guy.

I admit I was furious.

And ranted about how some jokes aren't funny and you don't get to play with people's feelings just because society is handing you an excuse on this stupid day for fifteen minutes. The tirade ended with a biting "That's the worst April Fools' joke I've heard today, I hope you're proud of yourself!"

Little did I know, eh?

🕊️ April Fools' Recap: Please trust the pigeons.

As you have probably already guessed from the intro: yes. We are absolutely going to talk about last week's April Fools' day.

More specifically about what went wrong.

I'm given to understand that XERXES has a long and proud history of pranks, so it is no surprise that April 1st started with a security update by Building Security, informing us that bread is now illegal and anyone possessing any would be arrested on the spot.

Finance followed that up by hanging up signs to vote for a new name for meeting room number 69 because "its inherently suggestive nature is inappropriate in a workplace setting". The last time I checked the poll, 'The Place Where Dreams Go To Die' has been the clear winner, beating 'Not there' and 'The War Room' by a narrow margin.

By lunch, R&D had joined in on the fun with a company-wide email to let everyone know that, going forward, all meeting invites before 4 PM and after 5 PM will be declined as part of a new "optimized efficiency workflow".

(Unlike other departments, they have yet to acknowledge the joke as a joke. Nor taken it back.)

All in good fun, as you can see.

Until PR decided to do what PR does best: try to outdo everyone else to the point where it blows up in all of our faces, then leave it to the rest of us to clean up the aftermath.

It doesn't count as a spoiler when we all lived through it, right?

To refresh your memory: in the early afternoon, PR put out an official press release.

Without clearing it with Marketing, by the way.

I'm not saying we would have put a stop to it but there's no way to prove that we wouldn't have either. You get what I'm saying?

The announcement claimed that an anonymous tip has revealed that supervillains have been using pigeons to spy on regular citizens through a complicated mind-melt technique.

I admit, the idea itself wasn't bad. After the recent duck disaster, it doesn't seem that unlikely.

Which was precisely the problem.

It was too convincing. Not just here, inside XERXES, where kind Jordan suddenly got side-eyed for feeding the pigeons on the seventh floor, but out in the city as well.

I'm sure there are some people who did take the press release as the joke it was intended to be. But supervillains have a reputation for making use of the April 1st confusion, so they weren't a majority.

Then someone actually exposed a shapeshifter who had been pretending to be a pigeon and the hunt was on.

And I mean that very literal.

Poor pigeons. They really had a rough day.

All in all and with the help of several hundred courageous and possibly fanatic civilians, a total of 23 false pigeons were successfully identified and arrested. Or delivered to the doors of our headquarters. Most of them a little worse for wear, though Medical is confident they will all make a full recovery.

Which is good news, considering that those false pigeons have turned out to be undercover operatives from our very own deescalation squads.

Turns out the story was truer than expected, only it weren't the supervillains mind-controlling pigeons. It was us, impersonating them.

In the eloquent words of PR: oops?

Needless to say, Top Management was not impressed.

Our beloved CEO X has made a very long statement that has told us very little about what 'Operation Eyes' entails and why it has been essential for the stability of our city during the last a couple of years. The details are probably well above any of our security clearances.

I suppose we will just have to come to terms with the fact that we will never learn the whole truth behind the existence of our no-longer clandestine pigeon operatives.

Though I would like to point out that Top Management has not stated that the operation will be discontinued.

Make of that what you will.

"Our bad," the head of the PR department summed up the entire situation in a company-wide emergency meeting at 4:57 PM, while R&D started to shift impatiently in their seats. "We made a slight miscalculation. That's on us."

No one disagreed with the assessment.

On the bright side, we know once and for all that whatever super duper secret meetings are taking place on the seventh floor that we all pretend to know nothing about, PR definitely isn't invited to any of them.

There is some satisfaction in that, don't you think?

Aside from that I believe I speak for everyone—humanoid and bird—when I say that PR is not allowed to make jokes.

Ever.

No pigeon has been available for comment but I am confident that they are on my side.

As they have always been.

🧠 Business Update: We are not flying high. It may be a problem.

Aside from the aforementioned feathery misunderstanding, things have been progressing as expected. Not well. Just as expected. More about that in the official Q1 breakdown later on.

First, let's take a look at what else has been happening this week.

1. In a decision that is sure to be inspired by last week's chaos, Legal will be reworking the official company guidelines with a particular focus on pranks and official communications that may negatively impact XERXES' reputation.
   I am sure I am not the only one excited to see what they come up with—and whether PR will survive it.
2. Apropos reputation: known and not particularly feared supervillain Alexander has published a detailed analysis of XERXES' average response time to supervillain attacks. Data Analytics has yet to confirm their validity, but I don't think it is an exaggeration to say that the situation is a PR disaster in the making. Which is really two more PR disasters than we should aspire to have in any given month.
   True to form, PR remains tight-lipped about any strategy they plan to implement to control the damage. Beyond a pointed "look, a pigeon!" that I hope was a joke.
   (That it was effective is entirely besides the point.)
3. The cold war between R&D and Facility Management is still ongoing. And it's getting worse.
   As of last Thursday Facility Management refuses to repair, clean or even enter R&D's workspace until such a time as R&D agrees to comply with the mandatory safety measures, stops any experiments outside the designated safe zones for 'outside-the-lab data' and develops a cleaning solution capable of getting rid of The Spot™ in the middle of the break room on the second floor.
   R&D maintains that sacrifices have to be made in the pursuit of scientific progress and that "if we can't hypothetically blow a couple small holes into the space-time-continuum, what are we even doing here?!"
   As of yesterday afternoon, communications between both departments have broken down completely. I don't mean to alarm you but I strongly suggest you keep your office survival kit close at hand while we wait and see how the situation develops.

😶 Q1 Roundup: It's been a start.

The Q1 numbers are official and they are telling us what we assumed they would: someone somewhere has screwed up. But it is nothing we cannot fix.

Let's take a closer look.

How is it going: money-wise?

Things aren't falling apart—yet—but we are not as far off as Top Management would like for us to be.

• Total damage costs: 23% over budget
  (Finances is having a bad time, which means soon so will everyone else.)
• Incidents of significant property damage:
  • all walls on the fourth floor (do not question its continued existence, that is how reality-affirming illusions fall apart),
  • the entire roof (twice),
  • the entrance door on the ground floor (five times, discussions on whether to replace it with a lethal laser net are ongoing, concerns about 'supervillain-like behavior' and 'liability for potential casualties' have been raised by HR and Legal respectively)
  • and two load-bearing walls on R&D's floor (which is three less than last quarter, the department head has been quick to remind everyone while glowering professionally at a scoffing Facility Management representative).
• Code Blue alerts: 279
  (19 of them were a level 3 or higher)
• False alarms triggered: 28
  (One of them by me. Sorry about that to everyone who panicked after my last newsletter.)

Top Management is discussing options on how to ensure that we will be able to make up our current losses in the coming months. Not to speculate but neither Legal or HR have looked particularly happy.

How is it going: employee-wise?

A spontaneous survey of four unnamed people Top Management invited up to the seventh floor shows that the overall employee satisfaction is very high. The new 'Everyday is a good day for curry' cafeteria mandate is a particular highlight, though a solid 25% of those questioned have mentioned being somewhat irritated by the lack of high-quality coffee available.

Everyone had a good chuckle about that.

On a more statistically representative note, our employee turnover rate continues to hover at a steady and encouraging 6%.

• Voluntary resignations: 28
  (Only three of those after the bake-off, so it can't have been that bad, can it?)
• Involuntary separations: 7
  (Building Security will not be answering any questions regarding this matter but they are overall pleased by the number. HR disrespectfully but of course still work-appropriately disagrees.)
• Kidnapped by supervillains: 3
  (All a week after Valentine's Day—a true lesson in learning not to let your guard down so soon after making it through a potential crisis unscathed.)
• Unclear status: 5
  (R&D is working on it. If they aren't busy arguing with Facility Management, that is.)
• New hires: 34
  (Be welcoming. Most of them work at the Supervillain Hotline—they'll suffer enough.)

HR has made no comment on these numbers beyond a vaguely ominous "Improvement is always possible" that has left me with the strong urge to ensure that I am up-to-date on all my employee safety trainings.

I recommend you do the same.

How is the year going: supervillain-wise?

I have been reliably informed by Data Analytics that there have been no big surprises on the supervillain front. Still, for completion's sake, let's take a look at the relevant statistics.

• Most active supervillain: Michigan Avenue
  (Really seems to have taken his lower rank on the wanted list personally.)
• Hottest supervillain: S'More*
  (Has not yet figured out how to set himself on fire without burning his clothes in the process. Legal review pending on whether a conviction for public indecency is feasible, given that he tends to burn all other evidence against him.)
• Most annoying supervillain: Michigan Avenue
  (The glitter bombs. Enough said. Yes, there is still glitter in my keyboard.)
• Worst supervillain: Toad
  (Spreading an unstable, trip-to-the-magic-mushroom-land-inducing hallucinogen is one thing. Choosing a terrible name is one thing. Getting offended when someone makes fun of said name is another. Get over yoursel—ah, never mind. Forgot that I'm talking about a supervillain for a moment. They aren't exactly known for letting things go, are they?)
• Least predictable supervillain: Timeout
  (True identity unknown, motivation unknown, gift unknown, alliances and associates unknown... you get the picture.)

Please note that this roundup consists of a couple of highs and lows that I have picked out from Top Management's Q1 official slides. And enriched with some helpful commentary, naturally.

For anyone who missed the mandatory presentation last Thursday, you'll find a replay on the intranet. And probably a written warning in your inbox.

You really should know better.

*This is a contested ruling. However so far all efforts to determine the average temperature of Nillish's fire (the shapeshifter capable of turning into a dragon) have failed on accounts of people running for their lives. Thus S'More remains at the top of the list.

**Legal has asked me to remind you that neither S'More nor Nillish are to learn of this fact. Nor anyone else. We do not need a repeat of the Most Wanted Supervillain List leak.

🌱 Friendly HR Reminder: Allergies exist.

With spring's sudden and borderline violent awakening, HR would like to remind all employees that allergies are real.

"We at XERXES believe in allergies," they have stated calmly in a voice that did not invite questions. "Allergies are real. Your personal feelings and beliefs regarding allergies are valid but they do not excuse you from following the building safety guidelines."

In other words:

⚠️ Opening windows to "get fresh air" is strictly forbidden from April to September. ⚠️

(Baring certain exceptions during an ongoing supervillain attack. Feel free to contact HR if you aren't sure when those exceptions apply.)

That said, not every questionable symptom is caused by an allergy. If you experience any of the following:

• sneeze that causes temporal distortions, fire, electrical shocks, sudden weather changes or the rearranging of facial bones
• runny nose that produces non-human fluids
• itchy eyes that glow, produce rays of light or change color
• any other issues you have never experienced before due to known allergies

seek out Medical immediately.

Do not self-diagnose. Do not assume that "the pollen are stronger this year". Do not decide that "a real hero can handle it on their own".

Real heroes get the help they need.

Ideally before they make their unwillingness to ask professionals for an informed opinion everyone else's problem.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Two weeks ago I wrote "until next week" out of habit and only realized that you won't be hearing from me every week anymore after I had already hit send. Sorry about that.

Until next time, remember: you are not paranoid. The pigeon is watching you. It has always been watching you.

That's alright.

The pigeon is on your side. Trust in the pigeon.

Your Marketing Department's bird-friendly intern
​Jo