Definitely not a promotion
​When you do most things right and still get more work.

Dear fellow world savers

Wouldn't it be nice if evil machinations from the local supervillain population would be the only thing we have to watch out for?

Instead we, all of us, are under a relentless attack. The culprits? The stomach bug that took down half of Marketing, a persistent cold that refuses to die because certain people—you know who you are—refuse to stay at home even when they look like they are going to keel over dead on the way to their next cup of tea and a sudden spike in time passing sickness (picture motion sickness, only it's caused by the passage of time).

At least that last one we can blame on a supervillain. Even if we don't know which one yet.

🧠Business Update: Surprisingly little has gone wrong lately.

Yes, you have read that right. I don't trust it either.

Shouldn't the evil forces out in the universe make the most of our current weakness and strike while half our forces are at home, trying to keep down saltines and drown themselves in fennel tea?

Unless the villains are also sick.

Actually, that would explain a lot.

In any case, here are some things to keep in mind, while the lack of real emergencies lulls us into a false sense of security:

1. Our troubles with time are far from over. Remember the Friday that lasted forever—105 hours and 37 minutes to be exact—because time broke down? After several weeks of hemming and hawing our homegrown mad scientists have confirmed that this dissolution of time was the result of a purposeful human-caused intervention.
   Personally, I was not surprised.
   More worryingly, they have already recorded three more incidents of a similar nature, though they appear to have happened on a much smaller scale. One of them involved this week's City Council meeting.
   This does not narrow the list of potential saboteurs down.
   Given that no supervillain has taken credit for these attacks, Building Security remains focused on strengthening our defenses against any type of manual time adjustment. If they have their eyes on specific suspects, they have not shared their suspicions with me.
   Meanwhile Legal is rewording several legal documents to cover a new, more malleable understanding of time. Expect an update of your employment contract.
2. This year's V-Day nightmare is officially over. Congrats, everyone. We made it through! Except for the two people in Facility Management who rage-quit after being on the receiving end of yet another rant about the glitter everywhere.
   I hope they are doing well.
   In other news, there is still glitter everywhere. Even inside the vending machines. And probably inside the coffee machine as well—I haven't checked. I was worried what I would find.
3. No Argos has been sighted inside our city in the past three weeks. It is not the longest we have gone without any insight on the group's movements but it is a significant amount of time. Let us hope that whatever the supervillain elite is up to does not blow up in our faces. Although if it has anything to do with the glow-in-the-dark buildings on the South end of Anchor Point it absolutely will blow up, I can tell you that much.
4. Our friendly neighborhood supervillains—you know, the unidentified individuals living in the purple building across the street who insist on wearing sunglasses in a literal hailstorm—are branching out. They have opened a tiny coffee shop that they apparently plan to operate out of a single window. Their business will be open every third day of the month from 7:00 to 11:00.
   ​Building Security has not yet decided how they feel about this development. I'm given to understand that they are awaiting opening day to test the merchandise. So is R&D.
   If you are feeling adventurous, feel free to check it out. I certainly will.

🗝️ New Security Catch-Phrases

Building Security asks you to remember the new additions to our internal security catch-phrases. Watch out for the following:

• "Spring cleaning": Internal reminders for spring cleaning are to be treated as a level 2 internal security breach alarm. Proceed as usual to avoid tipping any intruders off but stay vigilant. Should the intercom announce 'today's lunch special' in the cafeteria while the spring cleaning is still in process, evacuate the building immediately.
• "Daylight saving time": Daylight saving time may start on the 29th of March, but it is never too early to start complaining about it. In other words: a perfect cover. Do you need to subtly signal your coworkers that you are being watched or forced to act under duress? Complain about 'just getting used to the right time' or how 'it makes no sense to switch the time around now that society is no longer as dependent on sunlight'. This also means that you need to watch out for any reference to daylight saving time, no matter how obscure it may be. If you catch one, report it immediately.
  Do you actually want to complain about daylight saving time ending? Please save it until April.
• "April showers bring May flowers, March brings...": We all know better than to finish this proverb. March only ever brings one thing and it is not to be mentioned. If you suspect any of your coworkers of being infiltrators, mind-controlled or otherwise compromised, use this code. Then stare at them as though you are waiting for a response (8 seconds of silence at a minimum). If they attempt to finish the proverb, call Building Security immediately.

You are authorized to use these catch-phrases starting in March, which gives you a couple more hours to memorize them.

A detailed briefing has been published on the intranet a week ago. You have also received an official email—you may remember it as the one you absolutely meant to read, then got distracted right after you opened it and haven't looked at since. That is the one.

It was, indeed, important.

🗓️ Save the date: Company bake-off on March 19th

Mark your calendars, fellow world savers, for it is official: XERXES' first ever bake-off will take place on Thursday, March 19. Organized by your beloved Marketing Department, this fierce competition is sure to be an instant hit. Not to mention a chance to taste some delicious snacks.

Participants may sign up via the intranet entry or by responding to this newsletter. Please include what you are bringing.

Be aware that all entries must be home-made and free of poisons.

The setup will start at 12:00. The public voting will open at 13:30, so make sure to pack a light lunch that day—provided that you have faith in your colleagues' bake skills.

More details will follow.

✅ Personal achievement: New side quest unlocked.

I am either too efficient or too replaceable because when the call for reinforcements came, my boss decided to send me to the front lines of our Supervillain Support Hotline.

That's right.

With half our emergency support team out thanks to the many illnesses currently circulating, a couple of other departments have been asked to chip in. And don't get me wrong, I can see Top Management's point.

Imagine someone calls our hotline with valuable intel or wants to report an attack. It would be awkward if there wasn't anyone around to answer that phone call, right?

Not to mention a PR disaster.

Still. I do find it noteworthy that only Marketing and PR have been asked for help—at least as far as I know.

Granted our social media updates aren't anything to write home about and I'm not sure if PR actually works or just shakes a lot of hands and practices looking pretty in professional photographs but you can't tell me that none of the other departments have anyone to spare.

I do, however, recognize that this is not a fight worth starting, so I'm just going to let it go and report to my new temporary supervisor. I'm sure it is going to be an interesting experience. Yenna has sent me four different "my condolences" GIFs. Whatever that's supposed to mean.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Until next week, remember: doing something new may cost you a life or a limb or some negligible mental stability, but you will never truly know that until you actually try it out. Will you?

Now that I am writing this down it doesn't sound as encouraging as it did in my head. Oh well, I'm sure it's gonna be fine. You are gonna be fine. I am gonna be fine.

We've got this.

Your Marketing Department's resident spare intern
​Jo

P. S. Shane, I haven't heard from you at all this last week. Everything alright?