Everything is an illusion.
​(Especially the top secret list that Building Security just released. You know the one.)

Dear fellow world savers

Life is full of surprises. Good and bad and both and everything in between.

One moment you might be stuck at work, trying to figure out how to convince a certain PR department that you cannot "just put it on social" to make their new campaign go viral.

(Still working on my arguments by the way. Suggestions are welcome.)

The next second, the passage of time loses all meaning, your work buddy mumbles something about "business as usual" with dead eyes that imply she has seen things you would have nightmares about if you were creative enough to come up with them and your boss tells you to keep working in a Very Calm Voice™ while HR and Legal get into a fight about whether or not our employment contract covers incidents where the collective perception of time breaks down.

Never have I ever witnessed such a passive-aggressive e-mail correspondence. They went from "I'd welcome the opportunity to clarify the legal framework for occupational injuries as outlined in Section 10" to looping in all the department heads and Top Management while asking them to "hop on a call for clarification purposes" within forty-five minutes.

It was glorious.

Thank you to the person who cc'd me in early on, either accidentally or on purpose. Amidst an entire company of heroes, you stand out as a true champion.

(HR won the battle, in case you were wondering. However, I am given to understand that Legal always wins the war, so this may not be the end of it.)

Thankfully you can also count on life to be constant. No matter how long a Friday lasts or how bizarre the situation seems while you are in the thick of it, having sleepovers with your co-workers in a blanket fort you built between your desks because the sleep rooms have been commandeered by the deescalation squads, eventually Friday ends. Eventually the weekend ends.

Eventually Monday comes around again.

In other words, time is back up and running as it should. R&D claims that sensitive individuals may continue to experience "wobbly sensations" for another week or four, but otherwise we should be able to go about our life as normal.

As someone who spent most of our endless Friday getting used to the idea that I would never have to attend the afternoon meeting with PR, this was a bit of a letdown. On the other hand, our shifts actually ended and we got to go home. I suppose things even out.

After all that excitement, I was worried that I would not have anything interesting to report this week. I mean, how do you follow up the literal stopping of time?

The universe might have taken that as a challenge. Oops?

On the bright side:

📢 Important Notice: The moment we have all been waiting for has finally come. It is as entertaining as we hoped.

You already know what I am talking about, but let me enjoy this moment and spell it out for you. After a month of the fresh hell that is our internal feedback process, two secret emergency meetings on the seventh floor we all pretend not know about (one day I am going to tell our Department Head that her Outlook calendar is not private, but today is not that day) and what several unkind PR voices call "a typical Marketing tantrum", we have finally made it to this point.

XERXES' official Most Wanted Superhero List has been updated for 2026!

Yes. You have read that right.

No more guessing. No more annoying insinuations from people pretending they know more than you. No more getting dragged into abandoned back alleys or confronted in empty parking lots by masked strangers who demand to get the new ranking, only to have to explain that the course of superhuman bureaucracy never does run smooth and you have no more clue than they do.

Honest.

Before we get into it, remember:

The list contains a top secret threat evaluation of known and active supervillains in our beloved city. You are not to share its contents with anyone. This includes the aforementioned strangers in back alleys and parking lots. If you need to improve your lying and evasion skills, HR can sign you up for remedial training.

(We want to avoid any fights among supervillains over rank positions. They are a prideful lot, as I am sure you are aware. Some of them will take offense to their placement or lack thereof.)

You can find the full list—including detailed advise from Legal, factual evaluations by Finance, additional warnings from Building Security and snarky commentary courtesy of Marketing—on the intranet.

But I am sure a little sneak-peak will not hurt.

First things first: The number 1 spot is reserved for the Argos, as usual.

(There have been some complaints about this one, which is weird. Is it annoying that they are always at the top of the list? Maybe. Is it an accurate reflection of the threat they pose? Undoubtedly.

Our non-aggression pact with them makes it easy to forget but the Argos remain the most powerful supervillain alliance in this city. If the Parchment Peace ever ends... Well. I do not like my chances against one of them, never mind all.)

The coveted second place goes to Salt. The strength of her Killing Intent should qualify her for a place among the Argos. It is only topped by her terrifying control over it.

After that incident at City Hall last summer, I do not think many of you will be surprised that she has defended her spot. On a side-note, all events at City Hall now serve canapés with a thick crust of pepper and there is no hint of salt on the premise.

Keep in mind that her ranking does not just come down to power. It took three Elite Squads the better part of a month to track her down and she still managed to escape and turn the supposed trap around on them. That takes resources, ruthlessness and, worst of all, long-term planning skills.

In third place comes last year's dark horse, Michigan Avenue, whose actions remain as incomprehensible as his chosen name. While he has not been responsible for half as much property damage as Number 4 and 5 on the list, the disturbing nature of his gift has caused more mental breakdowns than any other supervillain in 2025.

He is also impossible to predict, which is one of his most dangerous traits.

Congratulations to everyone who has guessed the top 3 most wanted supervillains correctly! Building Security owes you a 'How not to get caught betting during work hours' lecture.

Make sure to study the rest of the document as soon as possible. Especially the recommended coping strategies, should you find yourself caught in any of these villains' schemes.

Also please ignore Number 9.

Just because Legal's trainee hacked our intercom once does not make him a supervillain. Building Security may be holding a grudge, but I am sure they will get over it some day.

🧠 Business Update: Right. Other things have happened too, I guess.

While anything pales in comparison to finally finding out who has won the company-wide betting pool regarding this year's Top 10 Ranking, there are still a couple of noteworthy incidents that I suppose I should mention.

1. XERXES' headquarter was attacked twice in the past week. The first one was an accident. Our unshakeable security guards cleared the misunderstanding up before it could interfere with our visitor schedule.
   (Thanks, Jordan!)
   The second one was a Level 2 Code Blue involving a powerful hallucinogen that was transmitted in the early Friday morning hours through a controlled gust of air.
   Unfortunately Toad, whose involvement has been confirmed once R&D managed to deconstruct the drug, struck right after I had won the righteous fight against our Department Head to air out our office for ten minutes. As a result me and my team spent most of the morning on a truly bizarre trip through magic mushroom land—I wish that was a metaphor—and the rest of the day tied to a bed for observation in Medical.
   I may never be allowed to open the windows ever again.
   (Also I might still be high but I swear to the Cursed that the name "Toad" is a Super Mario pun. No one will convince me otherwise. Believe me, Yenna has tried.)
2. On Thursday, the lobby was locked down for two and a half hours due to the arrival of a suspiciously unsuspiciously labeled package. This happened at four in the afternoon, which unfortunately meant that half of Building Security as well as a team of Sensors, Explosive Specialists and Bio-Chemical Neutralizers missed the first half of our beloved CEO's passionate speech during the yearly review meeting.
3. On a related note, Building Security would like to remind you to log all expected orders via the usual process. Even if what you have ordered are 10'000 paper clips.
4. Furthermore flirting with any member of a delivery and/or post service is forbidden. Not only is it unprofessional and inappropriate in a workplace setting, it also presents a potential security risk. Protocols are to be followed to the latter, no matter how well you know any of the people involved. Remember Building Security's credo: you never truly know another person until they drop the mask and reveal their secret supervillain identity.
5. So far, R&D has been unable to identify the cause of the time dissolution we all experienced a little over a week ago. They have however confirmed outside involvement. Rumor has it, a tracking squad has been deployed to investigate the matter. I will keep you updated.
6. Our new neighbors are acting disturbingly unsuspicious. We, in turn, are politely pretending not to watch them. The system works.
   So far there have been zero (0) incidents. HR would like you all to know that they are proud of how well you have been playing with the new kids on the block. Well done. Do keep it up.

✅ Personal Achievement: I am here to stay

That is right! I had my performance review yesterday, once the high wore off and Medical cleared me and my boss for work.

It went great.

My boss said that I have done a great job of integrating myself into the team. It is so nice of her to notice. I mean, I already sneer every time someone mentions PR—because who needs those people, seriously—and cuss out IT Support like a pro when they ask me if I tried to "turn it off and then on again" because I have not done that and it has the audacity of working.

She also said that I am an independent and dedicated worker. This newsletter actually came up as a point in my favor because I took the initiative and kept it running when Top Management lost interest in the project after the first two weeks.

Well, duh.

Getting the scoop on everything happening inside our lovely Headquarter is the highlight of my week. As are all of you lovely people's responses.

Except Shane's. But he is PR, so what do you expect.

In return I told my boss how much I enjoy working for XERXES and that anyone trying to tell me that "maybe this newsletter is not the magical cure-all to our corporate culture problem" can pry xerxestogo out of my cold, dead hands.

I was not kidding and she knew it. We both had a good laugh over it.

The only roadblock we hit was when my boss brought up the fact that my focus, while admirable, might be better served on my actual tasks than my in-depth investigation into the comings and goings of our communal kitchen.

Ridiculous.

If some person can regularly steal my lunch on the sixth floor of what is supposed to be one of the most secure buildings in the city, then we obviously have a problem.

Sadly, compromises are a part of life. Which is why I have agreed to spend no more than 10 hours staking out the break room.

My boss tried to pull the security footage, but those videos were no help at all. Who hides only one hidden camera in a break room with multiple exits?!

Oh well. Sometimes you have to do things the old-fashioned way.

Wish me luck.

Until next week, stay safe and do not get kidnapped by overzealous supervillains looking to get their ego stroked.

Should you fail at the latter, keep in mind that XERXES does not have an official ranking of supervillains and that any such hypothetical list definitely has not been updated since the early 2000s. It does not matter what you are threatened with. XERXES can find a new employee. What they cannot do is make the list disappear from the internet once it has been leaked.

Get your priorities straight and be sure to update your will with HR if you have not already done so.

Your Marketing Department's intern who is not going anywhere,
​Jo

P. S. Suck it, Shane. You are stuck with me. Time to learn how to handle disappointment like an adult.