New job, who dis?

Dear fellow world savers

Just kidding. As if I would leave you at the mercy of one of my well-meaning but not at all invested colleagues. No offense to them but I just don't think any of them have what it takes to keep this newsletter alive. And interesting.

Like any motivation at all.

The words 'waste of time' have been used more than once and while I have forgiven, I have definitely not forgotten.

(I also haven't forgiven but Yenna told me I should try and be the bigger person. Apparently nothing good comes from starting a petty fight. Which, what? If we no longer indulge in petty fights, what even is the point of working at a company with more complex politics than our esteemed City Council could hope to handle?

That's what I thought.)

I am still around and not going anywhere. That is to say I am also still stuck at the help desk but our supreme overlord—I mean Tessa, we're not supposed to call her that outside of the trusted circle—was fine with me taking a thirty minute break to write this email.

Well, she gave me a thumbs-up while on a priority 1 emergency call but same thing.

📞 Supervillain Hotline 101: How to survive your first day

I'm not going to lie: starting at the help desk in the middle of a staff shortage was a nerve-wracking experience. I mean, the Supervillain Hotline is the first and most important point of contact most civilians in our city are going to have with XERXES. And as they kindly reminded us no less than three times during our 1h long training: the right reaction to a phone call saves lives. The wrong reaction may end them.

No pressure.

Thankfully, the manual is pretty self-explanatory. And dummy-proof. Not to mention extensive.

The main problem?

On average, you have about twelve minutes at your desk before the phone rings for the first time. Less on weekdays. And then it just... keeps ringing. So that wonderful, detailed manual?

Yeah, you can maybe skim the first ten pages of it.

(No, it's not because I'm a slow reader. I asked around. This is a general challenge. Although apparently the veterans have absorbed its contents through sheer panic-fueled osmosis. No idea how that works.)

So in case things you find yourself joining me in one of these lovely 1 x 1.3 meter cubicles, here are some lessons I may or may not have learned the hard way:

1. Stay calm. No matter what you hear on the other line or what strange or horrifying tale people tell you, you have to stay calm. They are panicking enough for the both of you.
   I know this seems obvious but believe me, it is a lot harder than it sounds.
2. Do not say "That sounds bad", "Oh my god" or anything similarly concerning. If your caller hasn't panicked yet, they will now. (Sorry, Chad. That was my bad.)
3. Do not waste time being nice. Some people ramble when they are afraid or overwhelmed. This wastes everyone's time. Get the critical information—location, villain, threat level, people in immediate danger, safety of the caller—first, then you can lend a sympathetic ear.
   Only exception: If they are in the middle of a panic attack, do whatever works to calm them down.
   (Pro tip: telling them to calm down usually doesn't help.)
4. Always quote supervillains verbatim if possible. It doesn't matter whether the caller tells you what they said, you can hear them in the background or the caller is a supervillain. Write. It. Down. Any information on the villain's agenda can be critical for identification, conflict resolution, insurance claims and more.
5. If a supervillain calls the hotline, do not hang up. They may do this on purpose in which case you should absolutely take their message and flag it with the highest priority. Sometimes they also get the hotline confused with the illegal Supervillain Help Hotline, in which case they may reveal valuable information to you. Be polite, be helpful and record everything.
   Also maybe don't laugh at their names, no matter how stupid they may be.
6. Related to that: never give out your real name. Pick a common, anonymous, easy to remember name and stick to it.
   (A warning would have been appreciated. Salt is nice enough, driest sense of humor I've ever heard, but I so do not need to be on first-name basis with wanted supervillains.)
7. Most importantly: If a call appears to be above your pay grade, it is above your pay grade. Active hostage situations, people trapped in the middle of a volatile supervillain battle in need of instructions, an injured person requiring immediate medical advise—you are trained for none of that. Reroute the call to level 2 support staff immediately.

Don't let these rules fool you. Most of the time, it's not an emergency nor a supervillain. It seems to me that the people of this city have taken our 'Call us for whatever you need' campaign a little too literal.

I've listened to four different people telling me about their grocery lists and asking my opinion on whether the caffeinated coca cola is safe to drink or if they should stick to the decaffeinated one.

(That's apparently a joke based on some popular meme. Or so my new desk neighbor has told me. Thanks internet.)

So, yeah. If you like a boring, regular, predictable job with brief surges of mind-numbing terror, come join me at the help desk. We could use more "volunteers".

🧠Business Update: Running on fumes.

Smoke has been rising from the second floor since early Tuesday morning. R&D has reassured me that "there is no reason to worry" as "everything is under control" and the smoke is "statistically unlikely to kill anyone".

You heard the professionals.

Please don't put on your gas masks unless the official alarm sounds. Otherwise they will need replacing and Finances is not open for negotiations when it comes to the Q1 budget. Your supervisors will thank you.

As for the other ongoing issues:

1. May I introduce you to Timeout: While there are no new leads on our newest supervillain determined to mess with time, the media has have taken matters into their own hands and named them "Timeout".
   No idea how they came up with that name. It's not even correct. People affected by the breaking of time aren't actually outside of it, they just experience it a lot slower. Though given how prone to dramatics journalists are, I suppose we are lucky they haven't picked something worse.
2. The coffee may be drugged but damn if it isn't worth it: Turns out if there is one thing our friendly neighborhood supervillains know how to do, it is how to brew coffee. I don't know what they put in those locked silver cubes they hand out as to-go cups but it tastes like liquid heaven. R&D is having a field day trying to crack the containers.
   (Don't worry if you don't manage to open yours. Just tap out the first twenty seconds of 'We are the champions' against the bottom of the cup to activate its self-destruction sequence. That's right: no trash and no clean-up required! Though do make sure to put it down within five seconds.)
   Curious yet? Then don't let the line bother you, the sunglasses-wearing barista is very efficient. Do keep in mind that Building Security hasn't cleared the cubes yet though. You will have to finish your cup before you enter the building.
3. Several people have complained about the roof. The fact that we have one again, I mean. Apparently sunbathing on the seventh floor wasn't just popular but "a life-changing experience that truly benefited the overall mental health, comfort level and motivation and also encouraged cooperation and peaceful interaction between employees across different departments".
   ​PR has started a petition to not rebuild the roof the next time it gets torn off, thrown out of time and space, disintegrated, crumbled to dust or endures another fate we cannot hope to predict at this point. (Unless you are Analytics, in which case you probably know a dozen more possibilities as well as the statistical likelihood of them happening.)
   Personally, I think the roof is fine as it is and sunbathing is overrated. So is PR. But to each their own, I guess.
4. The last of the fifteen broken windows on the second floor has finally been repaired. Right on time to be broken again during a little skirmish on Monday afternoon that involved 0 supervillains and 3 very determined employees fighting over the last snickers bar. You're not you when you're hungry indeed.
5. There were a couple of incidents involving villains this week—though the Argos remain distressingly absent—but none that targeted our headquarters. The Deescalation Squads seem to be doing a decent job of keeping things under control. There hasn't even been a high-speed chase.

Also, the identity of the leak of XERXES' official Most Wanted Supervillain list remains unknown. This has not stopped people from placing bets. If anything more people seem to have joined since I first mentioned it.

Finances is very happy with your voluntary participation. Off the record, of course.

⚠️ Unfriendly reminder by Building Security: Stay up-to-date on your catch-phrases.

There have been three false alarms already (!!!) and March has only just started. Remember, people: as much as daylight saving time ending may annoy you, this is not the month to complain about it.

Consider this your reminder that staying on top of any security protocol changes is part of your job description. So is applying code phrases correctly.

🥯 XERXES' official bake-off: Additional rules & requirements

When I sent out the announcement of our first ever bake-off last week, I assumed that the rules would be self-explanatory. The responses I've received have convinced me otherwise, so allow me to expand on a couple more things.

If you plan to take part in the bake-off in any way, be aware that you must comply with all the following rules.

1. Participants must be employed at XERXES.
2. Known supervillains do not count as employed at XERXES.
3. Not even if they are held in our holding cells during the time of the bake-off.
4. You are not allowed to invite any unknown supervillains by posting an anonymous invitation on social media. Nor are you allowed to invite them in any other way.
5. Participants can only enter creations they have made themselves, without the help of friends, family members or other sentient beings.
6. Creations are not allowed to explode, turn into acid or do anything else that may harm anyone during the bake-off and subsequent test eating. Not even if it is 'vital to truly experience the dish on another level'.
7. This also includes time-delayed effects.
8. No one is allowed to influence the voting. This includes mental manipulation, guilt-tripping, peer pressure, dares and whatever other measures you can think of.
9. No betting on the outcome of the bake-off is allowed.
10. No manipulating the outcome of the bake-off to win an illegal bet is allowed.

This list is not exhaustive and may be expanded at any time at Marketing's discretion.

Can we please try not to get this event canceled before it even starts?

Until next week, remember: after the phone was invented to make communicating with people across long distances easier, humanity then went through a great deal of trouble to invent this magic thing called caller ID—so that we can now avoid getting trapped in a conversation with a person we have no desire to speak with.

And I think that is beautiful.

Your Marketing Department's currently-contractually-obligated-to-pick-up-the-phone intern
​Jo

P. S. I gotta say, you had me worried there for a second, Shane. Or maybe I was simply hopeful that you have finally come to your senses. Never mind that. No. I am not being mind-controlled by our friendly neighborhood supervillains in their quest to get the entirety of XERXES' workforce under their control via getting us addicted to drugged coffee. Although I have to admit, if that was their plan, I would totally help them. Accidentally and unknowingly, obviously. Shut up.