We never liked that roof anyway.

Dear fellow world savers

Another Friday has come and gone and no one is hallucinating magic mushrooms. Not that I am aware of, at least. Although René has spent a lot of time crawling around under his desk. I have no clue what he is doing and no intention of asking.

Am I the only one who feels an odd sense of existential horror every time I realize it is Friday? And a genuine wave of relief once Friday is over?

Maybe it's just because I am used to Friday being one of the good weekdays. Even when they involve urgent deadlines or supervillains, Fridays always seemed to carry a sort of inherent peace. A slowness that tells you the week is all but over. That you can breathe now.

That was before I experienced the true depth of slowness a single minute on a Friday can reach when it refuses to end.

I know R&D fixed the problem. The clocks are ticking again. The sun rises and descends like it should. But despite that I cannot shake the feeling that something is wrong.

Not in that big time-broke-down-completely way.

It's the small things that just... don't add up. Like how meetings with PR suddenly go by too fast where they used to drag on and on. Or the way lunch break on Wednesday felt like a two hour and forty-eight minutes gossip session instead of the half an hour our time tracking software claimed it to be. Or how some techie stopped by to fix the terrible coffee machine in our break room twice in the same hour and the second time felt like a perfect déjà vu of his first visit.

That was weird. Right?

Maybe I am one of those 'sensitive' people R&D warned may feel 'wobbly' for a while. Only I don't feel wobbly. I feel like time is working against us instead of with us. Or even just alongside us.

I mean, do you feel like time is on your side lately? Or any other cosmic force for that matter?

If you do, make sure to keep up that optimism. You are going to need it.

🧠 Business Update: The building is still standing.

I have no idea how. The architect who designed this place really knew their stuff. Every load-bearing structure seems to have at least three redundancies. Which sounds excessive, right up until you realize that despite those precautions the fourth floor is only held up by denial, prayers and three illusion specialists.

As someone working on the sixth floor, I strongly recommend not to question it.

I wish I had some good news as a distraction from this disturbing notion. Alas, it has simply not been that kind of week.

1. In true February fashion, the local supervillain population has declared it's open season on XERXES. Our headquarters have been hit by five separate attacks already and we have only just made it through the first week. Casualties include:
   • fifteen windows on the second floor (that Finance promises will be fixed "any day now"),
   • every office plant from the fifth floor upwards (make sure you dispose of them according to the guidelines for bio-hazardous waste and do not under any circumstances gift them to HR)
   • three entrance doors (each one sturdier than the last)
   • the entire roof (sunbathing has become a popular activity on the seventh floor—just remember to put on sunscreen!)
   • Oliver's sense of dignity (or as you may know him: that guy who did not mute himself during the cross-departmental crisis call on Tuesday)
   • and every wall on the fourth floor (I repeat: do not question it).
2. Despite the damage, we have been lucky so far: no one has died. The injury count, however, is climbing rapidly. Medical is currently at full capacity and asks that any non-essential health issues are handled personally. A list of recommended doctors can be found on the intranet.
   @R&D: Ill-advised superhuman experiments are on hold for that same reason until further notice.
3. Collateral damage has also gone up significantly this month. The number of confrontations between deescalation squads and supervillains in the field already surpasses the January total. City Council is not impressed. Neither is Legal. Apparently the insurance claims are a pain to deal with.
   Better avoid the fifth floor until this blows over.
4. There is some speculation that the recent viciousness displayed by various supervillains has something to do with their (lower) ranking on XERXES' official but top secret Most Wanted Supervillain list. I have been unable to confirm this rumor but should I run into a supervillain in the next couple of days, I will be sure to ask them.
5. And finally one sole piece of good news: our missing junior marketing manager has been found. Turns out he was neither kidnapped nor sacrificed to an obscure shadow cult. He just misread his contract and thought he was supposed to start in February. An honest mistake, I'm sure, and absolutely no reason for another conspiracy theory.
   I'm looking at you, Shane.

As much as I enjoy my job, the constant sirens and evacuations are getting on my nerves. That February has only just started does not help.

Buckle up—you know what's coming.

⚠️ Internal Security Warning: It is that time of the year again.

V-Day is fast approaching. The veterans under you already know what this means. For the newbies—and the lucky few who have missed the '25 disaster—who have yet to experience a Valentine's Day on duty, be aware that the Red Flag Protocol kicks in on Monday. It will remain active until February 16th, just in case any stragglers show up late for the party.

This means:

• Additional security screening: Full-body scans, pocket searches and multiple badge checks will be required when moving between different floors. Plan your day accordingly and make sure to allow for extra time, particularly for bathroom breaks.
• Limited lunch options: The cafeteria is only open during limited hours that change every day. Lunch outside the building is strictly forbidden, as are any types of food delivery. Home-made lunches are allowed so long as a bio-chemical specialist clears them. Access to all kitchen areas is limited to authorized personnel with a Level 7 clearance or higher only.
• No unannounced visitors: Any visitor must be authorized by Building Security 48 hours in advance. Attempts to circumvent this rule may end in blood and tears. And a very pissed off Legal Department.

Should you be in any type of platonic or romantic relationship or find yourself suddenly inspired to start one, HR asks you to review XERXES' official dating guidelines.

More importantly, should your (potential) partner be the type to consider any of the following actions "romantic":

• showing up at your workplace unannounced
• sending you anything—especially flowers—at work
• waiting in the lobby at the end of your shift
• or interact in any other direct or indirect way with you at your workplace

make sure to inform them that all of these behaviors violate our security regulations. Building Security can and will interpret any such action as an attack against XERXES and respond accordingly.

Blame it on the One-Thousand-Roses-Incident if you have to.

Also PLEASE, for all that is holy, do not go on any blind date until February 20th at the earliest. The upcoming week is prime XERXES-employee-kidnapping-time for a reason. Do not take unnecessary risks that make it easier for supervillains to find convenient hostages or "volunteers" for their plans.

Our Tracking Squads will still do their best to find you in time but they will not be happy about it.

🧐 Meal Thief Update: A lesson in stealth and spite. But mostly spite.

I was not sure whether to include this at first. Contrary to PR's belief, I do not try to make this entire newsletter about me. And yes, I do know that most of you guys have bigger things to worry about than my ongoing lunch issue. Like whether your date is flirting with you or threatening you.

(As Building Security would say: always assume it is a threat.)

However, Yenna has reminded me that our organization survives on coffee, spite and gossip and that I have to finish what I started. Which is an interesting development, given that she spent all of January telling me to get over it and drop the subject.

Apparently, somewhere along the way she has gotten invested in the drama.

That or our meal thief pissed her off when they took her meal instead of mine on Monday—possibly because we both have the same lunch box now, thanks to our new sponsorship deal.

So I have decided to add this update at the end so that you can skip it if you aren't interested. I won't be mad. Actually, I envy you. I would love to be over this drama too.

Unfortunately, my stake-out sessions have yet to yield results. Other than finally being on first-name basis with Cashew. By which I mean he told me his name and I refuse to use it. "Cashew" sounds better and also annoys him more.

He also insists that he has every right to be in our kitchen even though he does not work on our floor and that I should stop telling people that he is 'skulking around'. Of course Cashew refuses to specify where he does work.

I am sixty percent certain he is a hostile infiltrator.

He is probably not our lunch thief though. Although I suspect Cashew is covering for them.

Not that I have any proof. It's just a gut feeling. Something about the way his lips twitch when I rant about the lack of surveillance tech in our fridge.

But since Cashew has been zero help and my stake-outs aren't working—possibly because I have yet to find a way to turn myself invisible for longer than the two minutes Brian is willing to cover me for—I have decided to approach the issue from a new direction.

If I cannot stop people from taking my lunch, I can at least make them regret it.

In completely unrelated news, I have recently become a much more adventurous cook.

Switching out salt and sugar has had no effect whatsoever. Too bad. That was me being nice. Now we are going to find out how well our friendly neighborhood thief likes chili with extra hot Carolina Reaper sauce instead of the regular stuff.

For science, obviously.

Until next week, please keep in mind that Top Management expects the days leading up to V-Day to be "busy as usual". Which means that the intense week we have had so far is less of an escalation and more of a warm-up exercise. Or a test run.

If you haven't updated your emergency contact in a while, you might want to get on top of that. Just a thought.

Your Marketing Department's intern increasingly twitchy
​Jo

P. S. I realize Marketing doesn't have a reputation as the department with the most well-honed sense of self-preservation but we would never try to set up a speed dating activity in February. Or any dating activity for that matter. I may be new but I am not completely out of the loop anymore, Shane.